The Decisions

I’ve never been part of organising a funeral, not even in the smallest degree. I’ve been to plenty, I have been to young friends funerals, as I have lost alot of motorcycle road racing friends, but I have never made any decisions and I have never known how many decisions there were, and these for me felt like the most important decisions, the last decisions I would ever be making for Jamie, ever.

My first and most important had already been made, Taylors were looking after my Jamie. He would be in their care and how I thought about it, living in their house. Helen, as I said was extremely professional, she had taken over conversation with the coroners office and would be letting me know when Jamie would be with her. I just had to bring her his clothes so she could get him ready as quickly as possible so I could see him. I knew the first thing I had to do was get my friend to take me into town so I could find the trainers he wanted but I couldn’t afford to get him as we are a very low income family, but there was no way he wasn’t getting them. I got William a pair too…I can never treat one without treating the other.

Then, I knew what he was like, a 14 year old boy, he wouldn’t be wearing different brands…and he was a 14 year old boy, I wanted him dressed like him. So I went to his room and got his Nike tracksuit and the t-shirt I loved to see him in, a burgandy penguin speckle, he loved it as much as I did. So the tracksuit matched his new trainers and I had bought him the last gift I ever could. I didn’t want a new tracksuit, I didn’t even want a clean tracksuit, I wanted him to smell like him again. I put his body wash and aftershave in the bag with his clothes. Then knowing he would be laying on a bed to begin with I knew without a thought what I would cover him with. I had recently made a quilt titled ‘Proud’ it was a large Union Jack made with different shades of red, white and blue, it was his favourite of all the quilts I had made, so I knew it had to be his. Wrapping him in the love I had put into the quilt. I gave them a cushion for him too with ‘CWTCH’ across it…welsh for hug, so I would always be.

I had all this in a bag, and I gave it to Helen ready for when he arrived, so I would get to see him as soon as possible. Then there were all the decisions about the funeral itself. There were easily answered questions, we weren’t religious at all, so it wouldn’t be a church, no hymns, psalms, bible readings. Helen said Jamie could be taken my horse drawn carriage, or they had just updated their cars to some very sharp looking Mercedes…easy question, Jamie’s favourite cars were Mercedes…and he would have hated the horses. Songs, going in, in the middle and going out…I mean I know ‘Mans Not Hot’ would blare out of his bedroom night after night but I’m sure the line has to be drawn somewhere and its well before that! But again, these are songs that mean something to the person, the song they had there first dance to at their wedding, a 14 year old doesn’t have all these meaningful things because they haven’t lived long enough to reach these special points in their lives…so I have to choose, and again I don’t want to let him down. Who would carry him, who could carry him? Who would speak…in my mind I would want to do the whole thing myself, no one could explain who he is any better than I could, but I know I couldn’t do that, I could hardly speak about him without feeling the tears strangling me…but really, people speak at funerals, peoples kids, wives, work colleagues, friends, people with years of things to say about the person…he was 14. Flowers, coffin, buried or cremated, food, where would the gathering be after, at his favourite pub, his favourite restaurant…HE WAS 14!! Every question kept going back to that, there was no answer for what HE wanted so I would have to make those decisions for him, and yes we were close, so close, but we didn’t discuss his funeral.

Anne

12 thoughts on “The Decisions

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  3. I saw your posts on this and saw the news of your son on the day it happened with a 15 year old of my own there could be nothing more horrific than to be in your position and my heart goes out to you and your family.
    I was also recently at the launch in the Kirklees area of the Harrogate and West Yorkshire Suicide Bereavement Service (https://wyhsbs.org.uk) which has been set up to help the families and friends of people who have taken their own lives. Would you like to add this to your blog as a service for people to get help and support when they need it?

  4. After reading your blog ,I started to type a few times but delete as I have no words that seem appropriate. Your truth and heart break I’m sure will be part of someone else’s survival . You are an inspiration x

  5. Anne, no words will ever make it better but your inspiration will help others. My son Antoni, one of Jamie’s best friends at the start of high school was also being bullied the same by horrible low life kids there too and is the reason we moved away. They need punishing and it needs to stop so I’m with you every step of the way, you are doing such an amazing thing and we know Jamie is watching so proud of you xx

  6. You are a brave young lady, reading this is just hearbreaking, my best friend lost her beloved son 8 weeks ago so I feel your pain. I also suffer chrones disease so also know how your feeling. Keep strong. Xx

  7. Anne, this has had me in tears and I know it’s been painful for you to do. But it is so beautifully written, heartbreaking but thought provoking also. I’ve only met you once but have always admired your strength through your adversity. No more so than now. No parent should ever have to go through the hell that you are going through. What you are now doing is amazing and you must draw strength from that. Stay strong lovely lady. Xxx

    1. Thank you Beverley that means a lot, I hope to be able to help others in similar situations know they aren’t alone and the feelings they may have might be similar to mine, possibly even support each other…and definitely look to find ways of this not happening to someone else’s child and have people learn from both sides of this situation, to know to be kind and to know that there’s always help somewhere.

  8. Anne, I can’t find the words that seem adequate to convey how brave and determined you are to be able to write so eloquently in the face of such crushing heartbreak. You are inspirational. I am in awe of you. Start strong amazing lady, you are doing Jamie proud x

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