Waking up Without Jamie and Finding Out Why

I must have managed to get about half an hours nightmarish sleep, I was sleeping on my mum and dads sofa bed and William was upstairs in the bunkbeds he would share with Jamie when they slept over. He slept far better than I thought he did, but I didn’t feel at his age he even understood what I meant when I said Jamie was dead. He had cried for a few minutes, holding me tight, but was in bed before the police had arrived with the ‘suicide note’ and the massive upset that that brought with it.

I looked at my phone, hundreds of ‘sorry for your loss’ words that I wish would take away some of this pain, not even pain, numbness. And there was another Examiner article, this time including the statement from the school, again making things more and more real. Talking to friends and family through the day, saying those words over and over, every time cutting deep into my heart. I wanted the time to stop, I wanted the world to stop turning, I had heard my boy yesterday I didn’t want it to get any further away.

So much was happening, I had forgotten I was ill, I had forgotten I needed to take medication, go to a hospital appointment, or I think it was I didn’t care, I didn’t want to, didn’t need to, what was the point?? My friend had my keys as the police had released my house in the night, he came over and he knew I needed to look after me, he had me make a doctors appointment. I didn’t see the point, every time I rang them the appointment was always three weeks away or something ridiculous, but this time it was different, as soon as I said my name you could hear the receptionists voice change, oh yes can you come in at 12, that was in half an hour. The police had informed them and they were expecting my call. My friend drove me there, I can’t remember what she said, I took my prescriptions so I wouldn’t have to think about them for a month, then he drove me back to my mum and dads. We spoke in the car outside for a while, I cant remember what we said, I just know every word I said caught in my throat and I was fighting back the tears with every word. What was happening, why was it happening?

I had friends, family, strangers, coming and going, messaging and calling, reaching out though my Instagram, I felt nothing, I couldn’t even reply, to even the closest of friends, I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t angry, I was confused, me and Jamie were close, we spoke everyday, even when I was in hospital, we would be messaging, chatting, nothing was a conversation we couldn’t have. I didn’t understand. And now with no note at all I had no explanation at all. Until that video message came onto my phone.

It was a Snapchat conversation, it started with the school statement pinned to the top, kids asking if this was real, if it was Jamie, if he had really killed himself?? They chatted back and forth, ‘normal’ kids conversations, wondering how he did it, speculating, guessing…until one line stood out…’Imagine, we go to our table at lunch, and Jamies ghost is just there, saying nothing.’ ‘Lol’ ‘Lol’ ‘Lol’ ‘Lol’ a number of the kids chimed in, my blood boiled. A number of kids chatted about him killing himself, then another said ‘He knew he was going to get yeeted by *childs name*’ They joked between them about Jamies ghost ‘still’ being too scared to come to school.

I was livid. I was on the phone to the police, the DI that was dealing with the case had just gone off shift. I wanted these kids bringing in, questioning, take their phones, see what they have to say for themselves. The officer I spoke to wanted me to send over the video, so I did. Then I got the next message, the snapchat that had come to Jamie the night before he had taken his life…’Watch ur shook. I’lll kill your whole family acc in lyke ur onit I’m at *childs name* now *childs name* you want me to bang you and her.’ Now it made sense, he was terrified, someone had threatened to kill him and he had been scared into his actions. Scared to death.

Now all I can think is how it shouldn’t be something someone can do, how can someone threaten someone like that and it result in someones death and that be ok? So I have to wait through to the inquest to see what will happen, but if nothing does it will be my only focus to get justice for Jamie and change the law so this can’t happen to others. There are links on the side bar that if you find yourself in a similar situation, please, reach out to one of them, any of them. Please.


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