I can’t remember how many times I went in and out of the room with Jamie, but I saw in the corner the large brown paper evidence bags containing all he had with him. There was a police officer guarding my house and officers had already taken his computers and other items from his room, but I was told I needed to do a walk through on police worn body camera through the house and would have to leave Jamie to be taken to the morgue and then taken to the coroners.
It was about 4 o’clock when I left the hospital with the DI, DC and the Doctor. On the way to my house a friend, who is also a police officer and was just coming on shift, rang my phone, he was reading the hand over and saw our names so rang me. I apologised for him having to find out like that but I hadn’t told anyone, I hadn’t had a second, I had no idea how to. I mean how do you tell people your son died, when he wasn’t ill, he was fine? He said he had sorted it with work and he would meet me at my house.
We got there and the officer in the house had a body cam and so followed us round the house as I went from room to room explaining any time Jamie spent in them and answering questions on the way round. When I had finished I stepped outside for some fresh air and my friend was stood talking to one of the other officers. He stopped walked down my drive and put his arms around me, the tears that I had managed to hold back while doing the walk round the house came flooding out. I sobbed into his chest, I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t get a hold of myself, my friend held me while I cried and he felt the pain as he had loved Jamie too.
I cant really remember how things happened but people left and the officer guarding the house had a shift change. My friend helped me get some clothes and my meds I needed for the next few days as the house was to be held as evidence till the police released it. I asked them what they had taken, the electricals I had already presumed, what he had on him I saw that, and then something in my head just spoke a thought before thinking, ‘It cant be suicide, there was no note!?’ The DI turned and said they had the suicide note in evidence, my heart sank, what did it say? I needed to know now. He said it was at the station but the could get officers to come to my parents, where I would have to stay while my house was held, with a copy of the note. Its all I could think of.
Later that evening two other police officers arrived at my mum and dads house with a copy of the note. I don’t really know why but before I even read the words it felt wrong, the page itself had dirty folds, in half, half again and again, you could see the folds, why would someone write a suicide note on an old piece of paper? Or was it worse than I could imagine and he had had the note for sometime and I had missed all the signs of my boy being depressed? Then again before even reading a word there was no To Mum, there was no Love Jamie, it was a cold flat single paragraph. That made me feel, hurt, there was no love in it, and we would say we loved each other everyday, because we did.
Seeing those words, lost, empty, covering with drugs, faking a smile, he smiled everyday, everyday, and never once did I see his smile and think it was fake. Never once did I think he had taken drugs…I mean I had caught him with a vape once or twice but hey, I was smoking behind the maths block when I was 12, he was a 14 year old lad, I wasnt shocked. But the note shocked me, more than shocked me it tore my heart out. It was like my son was in the deeepest depression and I had no idea, I felt the shittest mother in the world, he was my best friend and I had no idea he was calling out for help everyday. That night I put a simple post on my instagram, the papers had put several articles out and the school had released their statement that had been shared over social media. I didn’t sleep, I was never going to sleep, but more because of the note, we had been together 14 years, we talked everyday, we laughed and joked had the same personality and that note said none of it was true. I was heart broken, completely.
The next day I got a call from the police, to be honest I got alot of calls from the police that day, but one of them was to let me know that they had contacted the school to confirm that that was Jamie’s writing as I didn’t want to say 100% that it was just because of what it said and how it didn’t sound like him at all. The school had confirmed that the writing was his, but it wasnt a suicide note, it was a piece of work from drama where they had to put themselves in the mind of a 40/50 year old man that had a family, lost his job, had a problem with drugs and alcohol and they had to write a paragraph summing up how he was feeling. I couldn’t be angry with the police as they didn’t know Jamie, they didn’t know how he spoke, that could have been his suicide note, found in his bag with his body. But the relief I felt that I hadn’t missed such a lost boy and that he was still the person that I knew, but now with no note I had absolutely no idea why he had taken his own life and the relief was quickly replaced with massive confusion, nothing made sense.