I remember being in the back of the police car, asking question after question, how do you even know its Jamie, its not like hes an adult with a wallet and ID, hes a kid, in a uniform like hundreds of others? Every different way I asked the police women knew I was just begging for it not to be him, and they knew it was, or they wouldn’t have me in the back of the car. They couldn’t answer, not that I gave them time as I questioned and questioned, how would you know its him, maybe someone else had his school bag, maybe someone picked up his school planner or his phone…its not him, it cant be him.
We arrived at Huddersfield Royal Infirmary through the ambulance doors and straight to the resus department. I looked through the doors to see the blue curtains pulled around the bed and a group of consultants gathered just outside of it at the foot of the bed, they all stopped their conversation and turned to look at me, my heart stopped, I couldn’t breathe.
A nurse grabbed my hands and pulled my gaze to her, ‘I’m so sorry’, one of the doctors approached behind her. I heard one of the officers tell them that I had been informed, she asked if I was ok. I kept repeating it cant be him because the school haven’t rung to ask why he’s not in school, completely blocking out the fact the school already had been informed to be able to get my contact details. The doctor was so gentle, he wanted me to know it was Jamie before I had to go in and see him. He asked if I would recognise his phone if he got that for me, I said I might. He left the room and came back with a phone in an evidence bag, I felt sick to see it like that. Still trying to prove they had the wrong child, the wrong mother, I said it looked like any phone. He lit the screen to see if I would recognise the picture, I didn’t, I was still proving it wasn’t him. The doctor asked me to call Jamie, the bad signal in the hospital kept me in my bubble a little longer…then it rang.
I can’t explain in words what I felt, still part of me was wanting it not to be him. I begged the doctor ‘this kid could just have Jamies phone couldn’t he?’ The doctor knew the only way I was going to accept it was to see Jamie. He asked if I wanted to wait for someone, but I didn’t, I needed to do this now and I needed to do it myself. It had been just me and Jamie his whole life it had to be just me. The doctor had to explain that Jamie had been worked on from the scene and at the hospital and as it was a police investigation he had to be left how he was when they pronounced him. I didn’t really understand and I didn’t really care I just wanted to see if it was my baby.
He had been moved to a side room with a police officer sat in the room guarding his body. And it was his body. He had a breathing tube in his mouth and blood in his nose and mouth. I reached out and held his arm, put my fingers through his beautiful hair. I kissed his forehead and I could smell chemicals, it wasn’t his smell, a mother kisses her babies head from the day they are born and they know their smell, that wasn’t his. And it hit me, it was him, and he was gone. I looked up and the police officer sat had his head turned away blinking back the tears, he was human and could feel this pain.
I was asked if the police could do the checks they needed to do and my parents had arrived and were in the relatives room so I would have to go in their with them. I completely understand its a police investigation and when a child dies the parents are the first to be looked at, but I didn’t want to leave him with a bunch of strangers who didn’t love him like I did. I can’t remember what I said to my parents or much of the conversation after that. The DI, DC and Doctor came into the small room and said they know its hard but they have to ask me alot of questions, I dont think I could remember one of them right now if my life depended on it, I can just remember I didnt want to be in there I wanted to be with Jamie. Then my phone pinged, twitter, The Huddersfield Examiner reporting that a body had been found in the fields in Crosland Moor, I was nearly sick, I could feel myself heaving and the tears poured from my eyes till I couldn’t see the article anymore. I just remember seeing that it had been called in by some old man on the street over looking the field, I remember feeling so angry. Imagining why he thought it was anything to do with him to ring the Examiner, what just so someone would talk to him for five mins, so he would feel important? That was my baby boy. Pictures of the police guarding the entrances to the field made me feel sick, knowing how close he was to home.
I was angry and the police officers could see, I said the paper is reporting on it like it’s got anything to do with them?! I remember reading at the bottom that the police have been contacted for information. The police officer said they would not give any information unless I say they can release it, but then they said by now the children in school will know Jamie isn’t in school and rumors would start. Kids being kids would likely post information on their facebook’s and there’s nothing stopping the papers getting the information from them and it possibly being wrong. So I had to decide what to release to the media and the school also had asked if they could release a statement. I felt I had no option but to release his name, as the school released their statement the Examiner was then also aware what school he attended and also released the schools statement. The more that happened the more I released I was not going to wake up from this nightmare and this nightmare was my life.